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SirSyko
Digital Militia Mailbox
Since treks to the Digital Militia Mailbox typically require follow up phone calls to my doctor, lawyer, or the EPA upon my return to HQ... I tend to have one of the minions interns retrieve and sort the mail anymore. Today, however, I made the pilgrimage myself. No leaking packages. No letters of intent to sue. No rotten gorilla cunt scented panties. Just a box full of holiday greeting cards... expressions of kind wishes... personal messages of sentiment. The fact that not a one was addressed to anyone at Digital Militia will not be factored into my decision to decorate the office with them.
RandomZen
Humble beginnings?
The history of our nanocorp is a strange and wonderous one; early on in this century, the ever growing pursuit of wealth by founding members blossomed into full-blown uncontrolled greed and hedonism. Assimilation of smaller entites followed. We thrived, and assimilated some more. By the end of last year we had posession of the entire globe. Marketing was temporarily cancelled so that all could take part in our ceremonies and ritual. Virgins of both sexes begged to be sacrificed on our behalf. Our political control of Earth was absolute. Remember, we have been watching you for a very long time. We will continue to do so for the rest of your life. However long that shall be is up to you...
RandomZen
Bob
My buddy Bob is a neat person to know. He only works three days a week, has never paid taxes, and has a major, major gambling habit. And I mean REALLY bad. I knew him since 2nd grade, but really only decided to start hanging around such an odd human being halfway through high school. I stumbled upon him playing dice in the hallway when he confronted me with a fantastic opportunity to buy a lunch ticket or pay him protection money. He's been my closest friend ever since, and I've been his favorite patsy. One day, right before we stole his grandfather's car, he gave me a tour of the house he grew up in. I had never seen a card table pinch hit as part of a floor before. Or stolen gas lines. Or pennies act as fuses. Or even a fuse box, for that matter. In fact, there was a lot in that house that was exotic and dangerous with the only adult supervision taking the form of slow-moving deaf senior citizens. Clearly, I had tried to hang out there whenever possible. I was recently reminded of when we innocently discovered a mushroom growing upside-down from a tiny crack in the living room ceiling. It became immediately obvious that the psilocybin (mushroom) molecule was the only thing missing from the Molecule Wear lineup on Digital Militia. So, we now have six new molecules. It is also obvious that we don't have a grasp on marketing yet.
SirSyko
The Bloodhound Gang
 As young boys, Syko and Zen established their first partnership in the form of an innocent 'girls not allowed' club called "No Cunts". Seen here is their very first planned human sacrifice, an infant child named Nancy. If not for parental interference (unusual being that normal parental involvement rarely occurred) Nancy would have been drained of blood and shoved in the garbage disposal to appease the trio (to whom she blasphemed a day prior). Instead, she grew up to be the dirty turbo-whore of the new Millennium.
SirSyko
The Anniversary of Christ's Death
There is, perhaps, no office in the whole liturgy so peculiar, so interesting, so composite, so dramatic as the rite and ceremonial of Good Friday with the staff of Digital Militia. In early times the event commenced just prior to midnight, but last night it occurred a bit later as the Digital Militia crew had "shit to do". The mourning-free festivity came to existence in three distinct parts. The first part consisted of three lessons from sacred scripture (two chants and a prayer being interposed) which were followed by a long series of prayers for various intentions delivered by Zen adorned with a goats head, a chalice filled with the urine of a prostitute, and a dagger dripping with the blood of an un-baptized baby; the second part included the ceremony of unveiling and adoring the cross, accompanied by more chanting to which Syko appeared in the form of a narcotics peddling angel with wings made of marijuana leaves; the third part is known as the Mass of the Presanctified, which was preceded by a procession and followed by vespers, after which a brilliant performance recreating the murder of Christ brought the festival to a climax.
SirSyko
Q & A with the HNIC
 Can you come to Missouri and mind control the department of idiots I work with? I would find some way to repay you, me lord.- Sommer N. Mind control comes with time, Sommer, and we don't have time. You need to instill immediate discipline and motivation. I want you to stand up and look around, survey your department, pick the biggest slacker, walk toward that person with confidence... your head up high, back straight, a serious look on your face... and bitch slap that mother fucker with your stapler. Twice. For those in your department who didn't witness the event first hand (or didn't get splattered with the mess of skull and bone fragments, teeth, chunks of flesh or brain tissue) word will spread fast enough that when someone fails you, bad shit happens.
SirSyko
Happy Birthday LSD
LSD is an unlikely subject for a 100th birthday party. Yet the Swiss chemist who discovered the mind-altering drug and was its first human guinea pig is celebrating his centenary Wednesday - in good health and with plans to attend an international seminar on the hallucinogenic. "I had wonderful visions," Albert Hofmann said, recalling his first accidental consumption of the drug. "I sat down at home on the divan and started to dream. What I was thinking appeared in colors and in pictures. It lasted for a couple of hours and then it disappeared." Hofmann was the first person to test the drug when a tiny amount of the substance seeped on to his finger during a repeat of the laboratory experiment in April 1943. "Everything I saw was distorted, as in a warped mirror," he wrote of the experience, noting his surprise that LSD was able to produce "such a far-reaching, powerful, inebriated condition without leaving a hangover." The drug was popularized by Timothy Leary, the one-time Harvard lecturer known as the "high priest of LSD," whose "turn on, tune in, drop out" advice to students in the 1960s glamorized the hallucinogen. The film star Cary Grant and numerous rock musicians extolled its virtues in achieving true self-discovery and enlightenment.
SirSyko
No Place Like Home for the Holidays
Decrying the Christmas season for its decline into crass commercialism has become as much a part of today's Christmas vernacular as "Season's Greetings". One might wonder... are the royal excesses and intrigues (under the guise of devotion, celebration and festivity) at The Digital Militia Compound any more admirable? We think not. But with so many people of such importance in close proximity, it's a lot more fun. A Right Royal Expression from everyone at Digital Militia HQ.
SirSyko
Global Money Whores
Digital Militia now accepts Canadian, New Zealand, Fiji, and Austrian Dollars; Japanese Yen, French Francs, Mexican Pesos, British Pounds, Indian Rupees, Russian Rubles and the Netherlander Double-Jointed Amsterdam Whore as forms of payment. Digital Militia also remains one of the few internet based t-shirt nanocorps that currently ship to any location on the toilet Earth.
RandomZen
Enhanced Value & Excellence
It seems that Digital Militia had an unintentional maximum order limit of 113 shirts (we like these nice round numbers). Customer X, looking for adventure, added shirt 114 and suffered the unfortunate consequences. Now, because of his sacrifice, you can add 114 shirts to our cart in the cozy, comfortable knowledge that it hopefully might work. (Just kidding. It works. Really!)
SirSyko
pwned pwned pwned
"What happened to the original pwned shirt?" you might ask. "There is a new pwned design on the front page!" you could say. The truth is, the Pwned Heart Shot design was a bad egg; a troubled soul; a drain on society; it didn't play nice with others and we didn't like its attitude. While the art team says the original pwned design is just misunderstood and needs more time to adjust, we feel the alternative Pwned Skull design is ready for the big time. That's right! BOTH designs are now available. Your appreciation should begin, effective immediately.
RandomZen
Freakish Revamping of Digital Militia
Stemming from the incessant and overactive artistic cranial fluctuations of geepee, the entire Labor Day of Syko and myself was spent overhauling our webified presence. Not only is our workload status the same as when we woke up, but due to this unnecessary diversion, our to-do whiteboard eraser remains ungratified. Aside from planting the seed, what part did geepee play in all of this? Further displaying his defiant testicular fortitude, he's home with his wife sipping margaritas and definitely not generating any new streams of revenue.
SirSyko
News Flash
Realizing the extent to which every single person in the nation is a drooling, dilated, glue-freebasing drug addict, we have added new drug molecules. "If we could sniff or swallow something that would, for five or six hours each day, abolish our solitude as individuals, atone us with our fellows in a glowing exaltation of affection and make life in all its aspects seem not only worth living, but divinely beautiful and significant, and if this heavenly, world-transfiguring drug were of such a kind that we could wake up next morning with a clear head and an undamaged constitution-then, it seems to me, all our problems (and not merely the one small problem of discovering a novel pleasure) would be wholly solved and earth would become paradise." - ALDOUS HUXLEY
RandomZen
Office Function
We have a serious fruit fly problem at the office ( artist's concept). It all started when our trash bin was stolen. BFI Disposal replaced the bin with one that did not lock. Few can resist the urge to pass an unlocked trash bin on the sidewalk and not dump in leftover chow mein, and few did. Next thing you know we've got fruit flies circling our heads, flitting up our noses and sipping on our lattes. We decided to do everything in our power to rid ourselves of this plague so long as that thing was not cleaning the trash bin. Aerosols were sprayed. Red wine was poured. Vinegar traps were set. SirSyko even began using the vacuum cleaner extension wand to suction them to death. There'd be complete silence in the office except for the quiet tapping of keyboards, and then WHAM somebody would slam their palm onto their desk or CRACK clap their hands above their head or VUZZZZ maniacally vacuum the surrounding air. Just when it seemed yours truly would need to move the appointment for his adult diaper fitting up by about 40 years, a nice man took away our old bin and replaced it with a new one that locks. Now we're just waiting to see if the flies die before we do.
SirSyko
Genuine Contentment
Digital Militia is an amazing place to work. The benefits are great and our employees are well-paid. The hours are reasonable and the vacation plan quite generous. So it's really no surprise that we receive hundreds of resumes per hour, most of which we shred on the way to the company cafeteria where breakfast, second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, dinner and late-night snack are all prepared free-of-charge by a former chef of the French Laundry and which Zagat called "as good a place as any to possibly spot the Olsen Twins" while enjoying "mouth-watering chickpea crusted black grouper" in an "intimate Afro-Cuban setting." From there it's off to the 'loo where an intern/PhD candidate (pfff) stands at the ready to rush the triumphant conclusion off to Paris for infusion into the world's finest perfumes. It is into this milieu of uber-excellence that we bid benvenuto to Killa B, kickin' the I straight to the melon farming T while putting together the aforementioned new improved mother of all backends.
SirSyko
Creative Energy and Expressive Insight
There comes a time when the forces that be unite and embark on an unholy mission. Under a black flag, we shall sail. The Internet will be our empire.
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modesty =
self doubt
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Boom, boom, boom! The tribal drums sounded in the still summer night. Ripped out of his mind SirSyko decided to form Digital Militia. Drawing crude figures in the dirt with a stick, SirSyko decided a multimedia assault on the masses was the best way to execute the grand subversive plan. SirSyko then contacted, abducted, bound, gagged, and beat several like minded individuals into submission. The union was inked in blood (the blood of a young neighbor child.... pesky virgin blood!). Society would never be the same.
Digital Militia is a group based on thought control who's aim is to achieve world domination. In the event that world domination is proven impossible or impractical, Digital Militia aims to cause some mischief, have some fun, and pillage neighboring villages. In the event that neighboring villages have already been pillaged, Digital Militia will embark on a transatlantic journey and sack London. The sacking of London is tentatively scheduled for early July. Expect full documentation of this endeavor in August. Of course, all of this is pending the feasibility of global domination.
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